Mentoring is a wait-and-see endeavor. I'm learning that with youth, there seems to be more waiting.
I mentor a group of 6th grade girls, as well as a graduate student. As you can imagine, interactions between the two are very different. Mentoring the grad student- an adult- seems easier than does mentoring the 6th graders. As an adult, he's had at least a couple decades of gaining life experience through trial and error. When I discuss with him responsibilities associated with certain actions or life decisions, he understands the related consequences and gravity of the situations I pose. I can speak frankly and get the same in return. There is an equal interaction.
With the 6th graders, it's a much different story. Most of these girls are 12 years old and in middle school. Though they do have life experience, it's limited by years and semi-structured home and school environments. Because of that narrow world-view, many of these girls don't really know what responsibilities are associated with myriad actions, behaviors, and life decisions. They don't often think of or understand the related consequences or expectations. I have to be careful with my words and even then, I'm not guaranteed a response. There seems to be a lop-sided interaction.
I have found myself struggling with this dynamic- I assume much like that of a parent. I say that because part of me wants to give the answers to the girls; tell them how it is; protect them; ship them into shape. But I know I can't do any of that- or at least I need to mitigate doing so- because how will they ever learn if they don't figure it out themselves? And yet, the tension does not ease up. I am left wondering if I'm getting through; if I'm positively influencing their young lives; if they're learning from me. They stare at me blankly and I don't know if this is because they don't get it, or because they're 12. That is, they're staring blankly because they can't wait for me to stop talking, so they just do so until I give up.
I know that this will not always be the case, as they will grow older and- hopefully- wiser. I know intellectually that the dynamic will change. But knowing this doesn't take away the mental trash of doubt, or give me that reassurance I desire. I am still left in tension, a struggle that seems to be in the waiting- in not seeing the immediate impact. As productive Americans, we want to see instant effects- we want to know that we've done good work. But with mentoring, it seems you just have to go with what you got, and have faith that what you got is working. You have to trust and hope that those young lives will indeed be better off for having known you.
So here is me, hoping for that very thing.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Hand-Written Notes
Graduation is fast approaching, which means sending out invitations and, eventually, thank-you notes. A friend of mine is currently in grad school and is prepping his invitations for mail-out. As we were discussing the invites, he mentioned hating having to send out thank-you notes. So much so, in fact, that he forewarned me that I would not be receiving a thank you note of any kind from him. Though not receiving a thank-you note from him doesn't bother me in the slightest, his argument for not doing so does.
Chase's argument is that, not only are thank-you notes annoying to write, they are also unappreciated by their recipients. And if they are so unappreciated, it is a waste of time, money, and energy to go through the thank-you note process. Therefore, why even bother when a verbal thank-you will suffice? Another friend had a similar argument for sending thank-you's after her wedding. They both think the cards are unnecessary, and Chase, in particular, thinks no one cares about receiving hand-written notes.
Of course, I contend with their arguments. Where I do agree that writing thank-you's en masse can be cumbersome and tend towards generalities, I disagree that no one cares about or appreciates receiving hand-written ones. At the very least, it's a recognition to the recipient that he or she mattered- that his or her involvement in your life has in some way positively impacted you. And that is worth receiving. We appreciate seeing those words.
In the last year alone, I have received at least 4 hand-written thank-you notes. When I opened those notes and read them, I remember feeling very appreciated by the senders. It felt good to have my efforts noted in a non-spotlight manner, and I thought it was very kind of them to take the time to put in writing their sentiments. I've also been the sender of quite a few thank-you notes. Several recipients of those notes have commented to me that they sincerely appreciated receiving individualized messages. I recall a particular instance where one of my friends even called me after receiving my thank-you, to tell me how much it meant to him that I thought of our friendship enough to send him a card. Another friend has placed on her desk a particularly meaningful note that she received.
"It's just a card," you say. Again, I disagree. There's something more substantial when putting thoughts or feelings in writing - it carries so much more weight, some 'umph'. It's more intentional than a text or chat, which can tend to be more transactional and less mindful. When you think about the process behind sending a thank-you note, you can see that it's much more than a mundane, absent-minded exercise. For a person to send a thank you note, he has to have first had a reason to thank you; then have that reason leave such an impression on him that he feels the typical "Thanks" just isn't enough. Considering that verbal expression isn't enough, he then makes the conscious decision to go out and purchase a card. Then of course, he has to peruse the card selection- which takes time and effort- in order to find the one that says just what he wants- or at least lays the groundwork. After purchase, he has to sit down and actually pen the words- put into writing what speaking just couldn't convey. Finally, there is taking the time- and possibly money- to get the card delivered to its recipient. The whole process is one that is intentional and takes effort- not something done thoughtlessly.
That thought, effort, and intentionality behind hand-written thank-you notes isn't taken lightly- or at least shouldn't be. When one receives a personalized note, he recognizes that he has been singled out, called by name- made worthy- by you. It is one of those clear statements that reinforces a person. It hasn't just been assumed that the person is important, which relegates him to being out of sight, out of mind. It has been expressly stated and cemented in words. A hand-written note is one of the little gifts that we all need- the sustaining gift of gratitude that always sticks with us- not the showy, attention grabbing gift that flits away. Hand-written notes are one of the little things that we recall fondly and we appreciate the sender for having extending that simple, yet largely impactful gift.
Chase's argument is that, not only are thank-you notes annoying to write, they are also unappreciated by their recipients. And if they are so unappreciated, it is a waste of time, money, and energy to go through the thank-you note process. Therefore, why even bother when a verbal thank-you will suffice? Another friend had a similar argument for sending thank-you's after her wedding. They both think the cards are unnecessary, and Chase, in particular, thinks no one cares about receiving hand-written notes.
Of course, I contend with their arguments. Where I do agree that writing thank-you's en masse can be cumbersome and tend towards generalities, I disagree that no one cares about or appreciates receiving hand-written ones. At the very least, it's a recognition to the recipient that he or she mattered- that his or her involvement in your life has in some way positively impacted you. And that is worth receiving. We appreciate seeing those words.
In the last year alone, I have received at least 4 hand-written thank-you notes. When I opened those notes and read them, I remember feeling very appreciated by the senders. It felt good to have my efforts noted in a non-spotlight manner, and I thought it was very kind of them to take the time to put in writing their sentiments. I've also been the sender of quite a few thank-you notes. Several recipients of those notes have commented to me that they sincerely appreciated receiving individualized messages. I recall a particular instance where one of my friends even called me after receiving my thank-you, to tell me how much it meant to him that I thought of our friendship enough to send him a card. Another friend has placed on her desk a particularly meaningful note that she received.
"It's just a card," you say. Again, I disagree. There's something more substantial when putting thoughts or feelings in writing - it carries so much more weight, some 'umph'. It's more intentional than a text or chat, which can tend to be more transactional and less mindful. When you think about the process behind sending a thank-you note, you can see that it's much more than a mundane, absent-minded exercise. For a person to send a thank you note, he has to have first had a reason to thank you; then have that reason leave such an impression on him that he feels the typical "Thanks" just isn't enough. Considering that verbal expression isn't enough, he then makes the conscious decision to go out and purchase a card. Then of course, he has to peruse the card selection- which takes time and effort- in order to find the one that says just what he wants- or at least lays the groundwork. After purchase, he has to sit down and actually pen the words- put into writing what speaking just couldn't convey. Finally, there is taking the time- and possibly money- to get the card delivered to its recipient. The whole process is one that is intentional and takes effort- not something done thoughtlessly.
That thought, effort, and intentionality behind hand-written thank-you notes isn't taken lightly- or at least shouldn't be. When one receives a personalized note, he recognizes that he has been singled out, called by name- made worthy- by you. It is one of those clear statements that reinforces a person. It hasn't just been assumed that the person is important, which relegates him to being out of sight, out of mind. It has been expressly stated and cemented in words. A hand-written note is one of the little gifts that we all need- the sustaining gift of gratitude that always sticks with us- not the showy, attention grabbing gift that flits away. Hand-written notes are one of the little things that we recall fondly and we appreciate the sender for having extending that simple, yet largely impactful gift.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Hosting
Being open- willing- can change your life. I didn't know it a month ago, but mine was preparing to change when my roommate asked me if I'd be alright with hosting two musicians for SXSW. After hearing the details, I agreed to hosting. I didn't think much of it until this past weekend, when those two musicians arrived from California.
Selena and Nick stayed with us for a few days, but we didn't really have a chance to hang out during the SXSW madness. On their last day here, we finally had some time to chill and get to know each other. In our discussions, Selena mentioned that she was traveling cross-country from Los Angeles and was keeping a blog of her journey. I asked some questions about what a blog is, why people keep them, and how you get started. I was reminded of suggestions from friends and mentors that I should experiment with writing a blog. I had never acted on the suggestions, but this conversation was causing me to rethink my inaction, as it spoke to my creative mind and its need for an outlet.
As the conversation flowed, Nick and Selena asked what I might write about. I began with the timid answer that I didn't know. Then I started talking about what is really important to me- health (mental, physical, emotional, dietary, relational, environmental, ecological, spiritual); community; talking to, rather than past one another; leading with the heart. Our guests resonated with what I said- requesting that my very response be the first blog post. Encouraged, but still timid, I bashfully thanked them.
While Selena and Nick continued on their road trip, my mind continued mulling the idea. It began to take shape as I visualized the pieces falling in place- first with the title, then with topics. For the first time in a long time, I was in 'the flow' as I furiously jotted down topics that have impact. I got excited as the desire increased to actually try this blogging thing. And with that, I was committed. I knew the title (Impact), the discussion (to write about how our choices, actions, and behaviors impact the world and what it means to me), and the point (to share my experiences and lessons learned in hopes of increasing others' awareness, if not at least causing others to think).
So here we are. The blog is up, the first post is in print. And I got the final push I needed from two traveling musicians. Their encouragement bolstered me, pushing me from timidity to confidence and purpose. Theirs was a positive impact.
Selena and Nick stayed with us for a few days, but we didn't really have a chance to hang out during the SXSW madness. On their last day here, we finally had some time to chill and get to know each other. In our discussions, Selena mentioned that she was traveling cross-country from Los Angeles and was keeping a blog of her journey. I asked some questions about what a blog is, why people keep them, and how you get started. I was reminded of suggestions from friends and mentors that I should experiment with writing a blog. I had never acted on the suggestions, but this conversation was causing me to rethink my inaction, as it spoke to my creative mind and its need for an outlet.
As the conversation flowed, Nick and Selena asked what I might write about. I began with the timid answer that I didn't know. Then I started talking about what is really important to me- health (mental, physical, emotional, dietary, relational, environmental, ecological, spiritual); community; talking to, rather than past one another; leading with the heart. Our guests resonated with what I said- requesting that my very response be the first blog post. Encouraged, but still timid, I bashfully thanked them.
While Selena and Nick continued on their road trip, my mind continued mulling the idea. It began to take shape as I visualized the pieces falling in place- first with the title, then with topics. For the first time in a long time, I was in 'the flow' as I furiously jotted down topics that have impact. I got excited as the desire increased to actually try this blogging thing. And with that, I was committed. I knew the title (Impact), the discussion (to write about how our choices, actions, and behaviors impact the world and what it means to me), and the point (to share my experiences and lessons learned in hopes of increasing others' awareness, if not at least causing others to think).
So here we are. The blog is up, the first post is in print. And I got the final push I needed from two traveling musicians. Their encouragement bolstered me, pushing me from timidity to confidence and purpose. Theirs was a positive impact.
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